Ian Vestigates Ian Vestigates
Reporter and Internet Detective!

Hello and Welcome, to sort of well everybody I suppose, well at least one of you. You may not know me, but I do, well I would, wouldn't I. Anyway that's not important, what is are these pages. I am a reporter and a bit of a Private Investigator. These pages are my insight into the wonder of the world and of the world I wonder about. In fact I also wander while I wonder in the world, but that really doesn't matter. This is about the various cases I have got involved in. Just to clear things up, when I mean wonders I don't mean buildings, I mean the weird things, like why when you ask for a burger with no pickle, you still get them and if you shout at somebody long enough they quickly learn to throw bricks quite well. I can see you know what I mean. But, thinking about it, I suppose some large buildings are a bit weird so maybe I will talk about building as well somewhere.

Anyway as I said, I an investing Reporter sort of chap, I've been called other things, mainly starting with the letter 'F', which in itself is weird as my middle name does start with an 'F', but that's not worth talking about right now.

I feel that my Boss, Mr, ahhh!, actually he won't tell me his name, really likes me. I feel he wants me to explorer my surrounding and discover and sort problems and the like. Only last week he said "Bestigvats", he has a problem with my name at times. He said "Look, get out of my sight, just go", which of course means I should go undercover and I have the decision on what I should do. So you can see how highly I'm thought of at the Daily Babble, I virtually makes my own cases.

Anyway below is a menu of my most current dealing. I hope it's a help to all you budding reporters out there

- Note from the Daily Babble -
This was the last record of Ian, as he died on the 12th Dec 1996 when a safe fell from a second floor window and then he was run over by a steam roller, a bizarre accident for a bizarre man.


The Net - 10th Oct 1996

This week I'm looking into the Net. I must admit I was a little confused by this as I did spend half a week camped outside a fishing tackle shop waiting for something to happen. I tried to get an exclusive interview with the man who had just bought a large landing net. I pressed my face up to the glass to attract his attention, but I was unable to talk to him as the door was quickly bolted and three policemen jumped out of a car and took me down the station. I had cell number four as usual.

Eventually I discovered what the Net is and in fact I'm using it. So, what is it, who uses it and what are those silly animated icons. I quite like the one of the letter going into the post box, but anyway enough of that. It's very much like a newsagent, except you don't have to go down the shops and get anything, well unless you haven't actually bought a modem and computer, you don't have to queue and  it's always open. In fact it's nothing like a newsagent, more like something completely different. In fact my newsagent doesn't even know what time of day it is let alone the weather in Japan, I reckon not many newsagents would either, well, except those actually in Japan and a few other close countries.

It's sort of lot of pages by people on computers all over the world, at least this is what I'm told. I think people are involved as I've never actually met anybody, so it could be a con and it's just computers talking to each, so in fact no one is going to read this, so I think I'll stop.


Weather - 20th Oct 1996

Well, this week I was told to look into wind. So, like any normal guy I had a large can of baked beans and waited for nature to take it's course. Then this plane ticket arrived and before you know it, at least quite quickly I found myself on a mountain in Scotland holding a little note that said.

"Dear Ian, go to Scotland look into the Weather"

So I did, I was looking directly into a thunderstorm. I didn't know whether to run left or right to avoid. Little Weather pun there for all you people in web land. Anyway, I noticed one major thing, people seem point out the weather even if it's clear what's going on. I walked back to the Hotel looking like a drowned rat and somebody said "Is it raining?", "no", I replied "I just decided to take a swim and taking my clothes off was going to take too much time!". It doesn't stop there, you come home from Holiday burnt like a lobster and you'll get the Comment, "Sunny was it ?"

So I've figured that people like to inflict mental pain by using the weather. Take Weather girls, they always have a huge smile on their faces when they say "It will be frosty and the roads are covered in ice, so be careful", what they really mean is, it's so bad out there, you're going to die and I bet you thought the weather was straight forward. I'd like to see them still smiling after a 360 degree spin at 50 mph down an unlit country road. I had that problem last week, although the strange thing was, I wasn't in a car!

Well anyway back on track, after much searching and investigating and using the latest methods. I can deduce that weather is actually only six things, hot, cold, wet, dry, windy and still. So there you have it for this week, thank you and good night


Cones - 1st Nov 1996

So this week is filled with danger and surprise. I have been camping on the hard shoulder on the M25 Motorway. This is the major road that circles the whole of London. Why, you might ask, then again you might not. The answer is Cones, Traffic Cones.

I had a message on my answer phone that the eastbound section approaching the A10 was about to be invaded. An invasion of England I had to get there fast. So, there I was, when a van pulled up and started to unload the invasion force, cones. How many times have we seen our roads infested by thousands of red and white cones and now I can see them landing.

The line grew with mathematical precision taking the three lanes down to two, this was not the work of any human hand, it was aliens and they are cone shaped. What a cunning plan of the aliens to live on the carriageway and risk their lives to bring cities to a halt in their pursuit of world Domination. Seeking my chance, I followed the van to stop their evil plan and while they stopped to refuel at Joe's Eat as much as you can roadside cafe, I carefully let all the tyres down and called the police.

I was amazed to see the van belonged to the local council. The infiltration was deep it was like invasion of the body snatchers all over again. The squad car arrived and the I explained everything that was going on and the next thing I knew, I was enjoying the view from the local police station waiting for another visit from Dr. Spanks the station shrink. This is deeper than I thought. There will be another time, Ian Vestigates signing off



Remember this is only fiction and has nothing to do with anybody living of dead by the name of Ian Vestigates, but if you wish to write to him for a case or something to investigate, please write to the address below


Any comments please drop Ian an E-Mail at Ian.Vestigates
@Clay.co.uk

Last Updated 12th December 1996 and you'll be pleased to know it never will