The Rimmer Directives
Last updated 1st February 3.000.2000,
Red Bits: Added by Dave Lister :-) nice one Hol.
Over the years I have been plagued
by a machine that quotes the book, I am of course refering to
Kryten and in opinon, which is quite a good one, is that the book
is not quite as it should be. The book in question in the Space
Corps Directives. the ones it has are very vague and sometimes
easily misunderstood. You
mean you break most of them, or at least the ones that don't
involve a member of the opposite sex. I tried to to break the lot
but somebody blow up the crew before I could get through half of
them, I wonder who that smeg for brains was?
I mean, anybody can make a mistake. I was only checking the angle on the saddle on the exercise bike it wasn't my fault Carol McCauley had just been using it. I wasn't to know it would be still warm and I defiantly wasn't sniffing it. I had a cold. I had a perscription to prove it. It was quite clear, it was all there in blue crayon. Even with that I still had to spend the next four weeks painting the cargo decks. Good job I got rid of the pen ;-)
So with this in mind, I decided with my new position of acting captain new directives would have to be formed. most of them have been created during the various missions and adventures we have had on our quest back to Earth. A full list will be put into binder form once I can persude Holly to do it. For some reason he seems to have needed a lot of down time recently.
So here the Top
Rimmer Directives from the Book
One of these might just save you life. Lets no dwell on that
409 : Always beware of Aliens that smile at you with more than one set of teeth. oh, dear looks like I have to agree, this sort of thing gives me the willies
276 : If you shake hands with both of your hands and the Alien still has spares it's best to show a clean pair of heels and run for your ship. This is not being a coward it's called staying alive. No it's being a coward especially when that person runs passed like road runner and shouts, "Look someones behind me that wants to talk to you"
466 : Only eat a Vindaloo and have ten pints of lager if you are staying in somebody else's house for the weekend. or Rimmer's Bunk :-)
067 : Do not attempt to play Chicken with Planets. Addition, unless you happen to be another planet. Look I only did that once man. Sorry, but how was I to know you only packed one set of underwear.
105 : Only eat things that you can indentify without a manual and that don't try and attack you when you put a fork in them. No way, you can get everything from the smell and then that burning sensation as it goes down your throat
405 : Paint should not be used to remove curry stains from kitchen worktops. If it can be removed by natural methods, it means you are not using enough chilli sauce
308 : When visiting planet's always send the most equiped person to review it and make sure you stay in the shuttle manning the controls incase of an emergency. You mean sit as a coward in the safety of the ship while somebody else does the dirty work for you.
018 : Never carry a clipboard that clashes in colour with the head officers shirt. Infact never carry a clipboard, well unless you're using it as a tray for some spicey popadums, then that's fine.
179 : Battleship grey is ideal for almost any room. As long as you're colour blind
502 : When greeting a new race, drop them some popcorn and some videos of star trek. If they like them you are free to visit in peace. Whatever you do don't drop the film Alien, we did once, that was not a pleasent two weeks