The War Diaries of 'Acting'
Captain A.J. Rimmer
Last updated 1st February 3.000.2000,
Red Bits: Added by Dave Lister :-) nice one Hol.
Where do he get off writing War Diaries, deluded I reckon
Being thrust into the chain of
command as I was with the Red Dwarf crew. I use the word crew in
it's broadest sense, infact as broad as the ship and to my knowledge it is quite
broad. Must make a note and find out exactly how wide the ship is. Hmm that
gives me a great though for a group moral boosting rambling trip.
No Smegging way am I going across the engineering and cargo decks with one of wheels on a handle. he's pushing me too far this time.
As my crew consisted of a Cat Creature, a Smeg pot, a Cleaning Robot and a bunch of maintenance droids. This was still not to be taken lightly. Although I did not have to do much with the running of the ship. That was taken care of by Holly (The Computer, sort of), I did have to make some very important decisions, it's just a shame that nobody seemed to follow my orders. This is why I write, for the record a list of complaints about the said crew on the grounds on mutiny.
Although I did mention the word war in the title, this is not strictly true. It's close, but to say I actually took the crew and ship to war is not really correct. Took them to an Asteroid, now that is true, but that doesn't really matter. We had a war with Rimmer once. He decided to place Reggie Wilson over the load speakers across all decks. It took us three days to break down the room to the communications room and shut it up. Kryten had blown a fuse and for some strange reason Holly couldn't help as he had cotton wool in his ears.
I hope this will filter back to Earth in some different dimension and act as a marking point and even the basis of a new era lead by A.J.Rimmer tactician taught pupils. What a world that would be, Hol get me a mutton madras and a lager, maybe I can get this from my mind, second thoughs make that two lagers...
Requirements for a Great Officer (like Myself)
A clean shave, my Holorazor is great. Although I don't let Holly do it anymore, you never know what hair he's cutting off. I had three weeks of walking around with one hell of a draft, don't trust Gimboid computers. That was brutal, he had Holly make him a wig to put over the missing parts ;-)
A smart dressed uniform. I advise hangers even for underwear. It makes sure everything is in the right place when on duty and shows everyone how much of an officer you could be. I only suggest if you wish to look like a total smeghead and have the dress sense of a pregnant baboon that you try this
A short hair cut. Now that's the ticket. Short back and sides, promotes strength and a fashion sense that's never dies and it's great for pulling women. Well, so I'm told. These are not the women I want to pull, too much, settle down, have a career types...
A planner. This will show you where you should be and when you should be there. Try and allow at least three days a month to update the plan and correct errors to enable you to cover up at the times you didn't get to where you should be on the planner and infact was the wrong place in the first place! Always make sure your room mate uses sticky coloured labels. This mean you are able to help him or her change what they are meant to be doing by moving a few about. Then if you want a real good laugh, don't tell them :-)
This a basic guide but I do
suggest reading my new Book "How to an Office" which
I'm sure will be released by all the major Booksellers soon.
Well, just as soon as they find out who I am. If we're lucky,
as soon as they find out who he is, the book will be in the bin. I found it very
useful, I ran out of toilet paper :-)