Being Updated

Details of the stories are revealed in this guide
along with some of comment and views on the episodes

 

 

    

 

 

SERIES 1

THE END

Lister smuggles a Cat aboard Red Dwarf with the idea that a Stasis trip will get him back to Earth and he won't have to worry about working. But, when Holly revives him the Crew is dead due to an accident and 3,000,000 years have passed. Holly brings Rimmer back as a Hologram to stop Lister going mad. An alien lifeform is wandering around the cargo decks and turns out to be the a desendent of his Cat. Holly over 3,000,000 isn't all he should be and his IQ of 6000 may not quite be true anymore.

FUTURE ECHOES

Lister and The Cat are told to go into stasis while Red Dwarf goes to light speed until they get back to earth. Rimmer does not want to be turned off as he fears he won't be turned on again. But the whole setup is thrown out of the window when they break light speed early and they start to see Future Echos of what is going to happen. Rimmer sees Lister die.

BALANCE OF POWER

Rimmer and Lister are arguing over who is in charge. Lister is tired of having to take orders from Rimmer and wants to find the fags Rimmer has hidden. He decided to take the Chef's exam, as this would rank him above Rimmer. He passes...

WAITING FOR GOD

A pod has arrived and the crew bring it aboard. Rimmer has it put in quarantine. Lister ignores the warning and takes a further look at it. He discovers it's a garbage pod, but leaves Rimmer to believe inside is an alien that could give him a body.

CONFIDENCE AND PARANOIA

Lister is ill with a mutated version of the flu. His conciousness is split into two parts, his Confidence and his Paranoia. These appear as human beings. Confidence is running Liste's life and Rimmer can't convice him it's part of the illness. They go on a search for Kochanski's Disc to bring her back as a Hologram, but when Lister plays it, it makes another Rimmer.

ME^2

One Rimmer is enough, but two. The two move out into their own room, it's amazing how well the two of them get on, well it is for a while. The new Rimmer is the old bitter Rimmer as his Disc image was created when he first joined Red Dwarf, the two soon fall out and one has to go


Series 2.


KRYTEN

The crew get a distress call from a planetoid, by a ship named the Nova-5. Sending the distress call is an Android named Kryten. He claims that he and 3 female crewmen are stranded here and need rescuing. The crew, delighted with the chance to rescue three damsels in distress decide to take up the offer. They get dressed up in their best clothes: Rimmer with an Admirals uniform, Lister with a T-shirt with only two curry stains, the Cat with a golden space suit and even Holly with a toupee. They head over to the Nova-5 only to find out the women are dead. They still keep calm enough to rescue Kryten. Back on the ship, Rimmer is ordering Kryten to to all the work around the place. But, Kryten, who is programmed to obey all human commands is forced to comply. Eventually Lister convinces him to rebel.

BETTER THAN LIFE

The post finally arrives from earth, 3 million years late. While searching through it, Rimmer learns that his father is Dad... er dead. He passed away quietly in his jeep... er sleep. Anyway, Rimmer becomes very upset, as his father never told him that he was proud of him. Also in the post, Lister finds a "Better than Life" Virtual reality game. The game allows you to indulge in any fantasy you desire. The three crewmen put it on and start to fantasize. Rimmer becomes an Admiral, and his father comes up and tells him... He's a smeghead. (The latter turns out to be the Cat's fantasy). Lister and Cat are out playing golf, when they come across Rimmer, who is loaded with children (via Yvonne McGruder). At first Rimmer appears happy, then he suddenly becomes a bum, claiming that his brain couldn't handle things going right. Then the tax man comes to collect 180,000, and then the four (incl holly). are buried up to their necks in sand, covered in jam with flesh-eating ants heading for them. They manage to exit the game, and Rimmer gets to a letter, informing him that due to a computer error, he was wrongly informed that he failed his astro-navigation exam, when in fact he passed. He is now promoted to Admiral. Unfortunately they later find out they are still in the game.

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY

They have discovered a planet with a breathable atmosphere. They party for a while then drive home, drunk (in Blue Midget). When they reach Red Dwarf, Rimmer starts to tell him about the one time he had sex (Yvonne Mc Gruder) despite Lister's warnings that he'd regret saying it. They wake up the next morning and Rimmer does indeed regret it. They also find that 2 days are missing from the calendar, Lister and the cat have broken legs and a jigsaw is completed. Rimmer's first thought was Aliens, but after looking for the black box to see what happened, they find it was buried on a moon. They head for the moon and eventually the dig it up and watch it...
It seemed that Lister felt so sorry for Rimmer, that he "gave" him one of his own memories (programmed it into the holo-projection unit), the one with an old girlfriend. Rimmer woke up that morning and was all happy, but after Lister acting suspicious, and Rimmer finding letters from her to Lister, he eventually found out what happened. So they decided to erase everyone's memory and get rid of the black box, Lister, (on his way out) completed the jigsaw. And on the moon they dropped a gravestone (which they were using for burying the black box) on their feet which explains the broken legs.

STASIS LEAK

3,000,000 years earlier, Lister is punished for putting "freaky fungus" in Rimmer's breakfast. Rimmer is punished for his reaction to Listers meagre punishment. The punishment is painting the ship. While putting on his space suit, Rimmer sees his own head coming out of the table, saying he is from the future.

3,000,000 years later, Rimmer walks in on Lister reading his diary. Lister asks about the fact that Rimmer wrote taht he saw himself coming out of a table. They also question the mention of a stasis leak. They go down to where the stasis leak was alledged to have happened and go into it. They try and bring something back, but it turns to dust. So they decide that maybe someone can go into a stasis booth (for there is a spare one). Lister wants to bring Kochanski, but Rimmer wants to bring himself.
Rimmer, goes through the stasis leak and meets himself, and fails to persuade him to go into the pod. Lister finds out that Kochanski is already married... to himself from 5 years in the future. The episode ends with loads of different Listers, Rimmers and one Cat in their quarters.

QUEEG

Due to Holly's incompetence, a meteor hits the ship, and the holoprojection suite is damaged. The crew go down tohave a look, and they come across Queeg, a computer like Holly only he seems more like an army officer. Queeg takes over the ship, and puts Holly on night watch. At first, they prefer Queeg because things actually work. But soon, When they run out of food cresits, and Rimmer is exersized too much they begin to want holly back, so Holly agrees to play Queeg in a game of chess. Eventually Queeg wins the game, and Holly is to be erased. The crew is shocked to find that the whole thing was a joke by Holly.
Rimmer: Chris Barrie
Lister: Craig Charles
Cat: Danny John-Jules
Holly: Norman Lovett

PARALELL UNIVERSE

Holly has invented a high speed drive called the "Holly Hop Drive" (A red box with a stop and start button on it) the crew try and use it, but it doesn't bring them to earth, it brings them to a paralell universe where women are the dominant species. While Rimmer is trying to avoid his opposite, Lister is getting on very well with his. The-Cat's opposite is a dog, and even Holly has an opposite, Hilly, and so do the scutters. The next moring they wake up to find Lister as slept with his opposite. (So has the scutter). After a pregnancy test, the crew learn that Lister is pregnant!

Series 3

BACKWARDS

(Catch-up: Lister's children have been returned to the universe of their father (A woman), Kryten has returned and Holly has had a head sex change.
Rimmer is giving Kryten a pilot-test on Starbug when the crew go flying into a big Wibbly wobbly swirly thing. They land on a new planet. Lister and Cat go after them and also land on a planet. They converse with people only to find they speak Bulgarian. Later however, they learn that they are actuallyspeaking backwards, not only that, but doing everything else backwards too: walking, driving, even when they eat, the food comes out of their mouths. Kryten and Rimmer organise a show where they do things *forwards* instead of backwards. This gets great applause, but when the cat and Lister arrive they are arrested for a bar fight they will have caused afterwards, which begins then. Eventually they escape, but the cat finds he needs to go to the toilet. (Now use your imaginations)

MAROONED

Holly spots 5 black holes that they are headed straight for. Lister and Rimmer take Starbug 1, while Kryten and the Cat take Starbug 2. Rimmer and Lister are forced to make a crash landing and become marooned on an icy planet. They begin to tell tales of when they were young. Soon, Lister begind to get cold, and wants to burn Rimmers precious box full of sentimental erm... things, but Rimmer won't let him, and suggests he burn the guitar. Lister then cuts a guitar shape out of Rimmer's box when he isn't watching, and burns it. Rimmer thinking he used the real guitar, goes and decides to burn the box....

Kryten and the Cat find Rimmer and Lister and bring them back. It turns out there were no black holes, just pieces of grit on the radar.

POLYMORPH

An invader has come aboard Red Dwarf. It can change itself into any shape whatsoever. It first appears to Lister as a sausage. Kryten comes in and suddenly it changes into a snake, bringing Lister to the pinacle of his fear, and finally it's true form, a big brown slimy, tentacled, sharp-toothed creeature, Lister's worst fear, and then sucking his fear right out of him. Then while they are searching for it in order to destroy it, the cat is chased by his own heat-seeking bazookoid balls, and eventually manages evade them and lock them in a room. it gets the cat, and takes away his vanity by appearing as a beautiful woman and flattering him. Then, by blaming Kryten for the cat's accident, it takes away his guilt. Then, later when the three get back it appears as Rimmer's mother, pretending to have slept with Lister, it get's Rimmer's anger.

Now we have Rimmer, a "wannabe" hippy, (T-shirt saying "Give a quiche a chance"), Lister with nerves of steel, Kryten with no sence of loyalty or guilt, and the Cat, a bum. They continue their search for The polymorph and suddnely it comes up and attacks from behind. Luckily, an automatic door opens, releasing to bazookoid balls (the same ones that were chasing the cat) the crew duck and the polymorph is destroyed. All the crew get their emotions back and they are free from the polymorph. Or are they....

TIMESLIDES

At the start, Lister declares he is sick of life on RD. Later, Kryten is developing photos when he discovers that they can move. He finds ot that the developing fluid has mutated. He shows this to the rest of the crew and they try out going in to the photo. It works, as if they were really there. They project the photos onto a screen, and Lister decides he will make himself unbelievably rich by getting an invention (a tension sheet -just packing paper painted red) and giving it to his past-self by going into a photo so he will be rich. When they come back, Lister, the Cat and Kryten disappear. (Kryten wasn't rescued and the Cat was never on board) So Rimmer goes back to convince Lister to come back. Upon Failing that, he goes further back in time to give the invention to himself. But he ends up failing that too. Lister, Cat and Kryten are returned, though. He then discovers that he is not a hologram, but he is alive. He then runs through the ship with excitement, but thengets blown to bits by an explosion.

BODYSWOP

A scutter has gone mad and rerouted the entire ships circuitry. Unfortunately, Rimmer and Kryten can't find the circuit leading to the self-destruct mechanism. Lister accidentally activates it, Kryten has this idea that they should put another crew-members brain (via a disc on which all of their brain patterns were kept) into Lister's body. Unfortunately, Lister was still not able to deactivate it. The count-down finnished, but no bomb went off. There was no bomb, as Holly had gotten rid of it ages ago.
Rimmer decided that this brain-switching idea was a good one and he decided to persuade Lister to give him a loan of his body. Lister finally agrees, but takes it back when he finds out how badly Rimmer has been treating it. Rimmer, with the help of Kryten (who is programmed to obey) steals Lister's body during the night, and escapes on it with Starbug. Lister, Cat and Kryten chase him in Blue Midget, but as they are catching up, Rimmer crashes.
Back on Red Dwarf, Rimmer walks into the room, and declares that he is in fact the Cat, and that Rimmer (with the help of Kryten again) stole his body. Rimmer comes in in the Cat's body and promises to give it back to him tomorrow... Maybe thursday.

THE LAST DAY

A mail pod has arrived. One message indicates that Kryten must be dismantled and his replacement will be coming. A new, and improved "Hudsen 10". Kryten is not too sad, because how he get's to go to Silicon Heaven. Lister is shocked at this idea, and explains that there's no such thing as silicon heaven, but Kryten's not convinced. The crew throw a "going away" party for Kryten, in which we find out that Lister was an orphan, and first had sex on a golfing green. Rimmer got his first french kiss from his uncle Frank, who thought he was his mother.
The next morning, the crew wake up with hangovers. A ship requests docking, an the crew meet him in the docking bay. They try and fight off the Hudsen 10 so Keyten will not have to leave, but he is too strong. Eventually Kryten informs him of the absence of silicon heaven, which causes Hudsen 10's circuits to shut down.

Series 4

DIMENSION JUMP

30 years ago, Arnold Rimmer had to make a descision whether to repeat a year in school or not...
Now in the present, Commander Arnold "Ace" Rimmer is landing the JMC test vehicle to be greeted by his many friends, and a 21 gun salute, etc. Bongo calls him to his office to ask him to do another mission. In this mission, he would cross into another dimension where he would meet another Arnold Rimmer who would have been different because of one different descision he made. Rimmer Accepts.
The crew are in Starbug when suddenly they crash into a big wibbly wobbly swirly thing. They go flying for the ground, and crash into a planet. Luckily, Starbug doesn't suffer any serious damage, but the engine is broken, the Cat's leg is broken and The elastic's snapped on the furry dice. If that's not bad enough, they are sinking. Luckily, In comes "Ace" to the rescue. With the help of Lister he repairs the engine and they can take off again. Ace also fixes the cat's leg. Rimmer is not too happy with Ace, because he is jealous of him. In the end, Ace decides to leave. Lister finds out that the one decision that changed it all was that Ace had been kept back a year where as the other Rimmer hadn't. In all his travels, Ace never came accross another Rimmer as sad and pathetic as the one he'd met on Red Dwarf.

JUSTICE

Lister is struck with space-mumps, and doesn't find out about an escape pod that has arrived. Kryten accidentally lets the cat out of the bag and Lister goes to check it out. He finds out that the pod belongs to Barbara Bellini. The Cat starts the thawing process (Bellini is cryo-genically frozen) and Rimmer comes in and informs him of his mistake. It could also be a mass-murdering simulant who is in it. The crew decide to bring the pod to a justice colony in order to figure out who it is. While there, they are mentally scanned to see whether they commit any crimes. Kryten is found completely innocent, as is the Cat. Lister gets away with it (barely). Rimmer, however is accused of 2nd degree murder: the deaths of the Red Dwarf crew were because of *his* negligence. He is sentenced to 9,000 years imprisonment in a justice zone (an area where any crime someone commits automatically happens to the criminal. Kryten tries to invent a way to get him out, and then in a court-style hearing, he manages to get Rimmer free by proving he is such an idiotic fool that there is no way he would have the authority to put the entire crew in danger. In fact, the mind scan detected *his* guilt, and because he is so egotistical, he *thought* he had caused the whole thing.
They return to Starbug only ot find a simulant - the one which had come out of the escape pod. He chases the crew back into the penal colony, and inside the justice zone. He finally kills himself (he tries to kill Lister, but the Justice field reverses the effects on him).

D.N.A.

The Crew have stumbled on a deserted space ship, which Rimmer believes is owned by aliens. When they go to check it out, Kryten and Rimmer discover the remains of a three-headed creature. They find a wallet on him with human artifacts such as credit cards etc. Meanwhile, the Cat and Lister find a machine of soime kind (It looks like a Star Trek style computer panel) and the Cat, while messing with it accidentally traps Lister in a pink beam. When he tries to get him out of it, Lister turns into a chicken. Rimmer and Kryten come along. When The Cat is showing what he did to Lister, he traps Kryten in the beam. He manages to change Lister back to a human, but when he does the same for Kryten, it actually changes him into a human, rather than just setting him free.
Back on Red Dwarf, Kryten is delighted with his new-found humanity. However he soon starts to tire of it after talking to his spare heads, and wants to be changed back. When they go back aboard the ship, Holly says she thinks she has it all figured out. But Rimmer decides it best if she tries it on something else. She tries Lister's Curry and turns it into a monster by mistake. After being chased all over the ship, Lister decides the only way to defeat it is to turn him into a superhuman. So she turns him into something like Robocop, but tiny. (about 1 1/2' tall) Lister eventually defeats it with a lager (the only thing that can kill a vindaloo)

CAMILLE

Lister tries in vain to teach Kryten how to lie, insult, cheat and disobey orders. Lister gives up when Rimmer calls Kryten on a trip "moon-hopping". On the trip, Kryten discovers a distress call and goes to inspect it against Rimmer's orders. (The planet could blow up soon) Kryten rescues a "female" droid called Camille, which he brings back to starbug, but when Rimmer sees her, she's a hologramme. They bring her back to Red Dwarf and then Lister sees a human female. That's when they find out that she's a GELF programmed to be everyone's perfect companion. The Cat goes to see, and is surprised to see himself! The GELF turns into her true form at Kryten's request which is a huge green blob. Kryten still decides to ask her to dinner, then the movies (Casablanca). But alas someone else arrives. Hector (Camille's "Husband") who wants to find a cure for their condition. Kryten (at his own dissapointment)convinces her to go.


WHITE HOLE

Kryten has fixed the toaster in an experiment ot make Holly smarter and restore her IQ to it's previous 6,000. However it goes drastically wrong, and instead of *restoring* her IQ, it doubles it. Her IQ is now approximately 12,000. Unfortunately, she only has about 3 minutes to live. She switches herself off to save on run time, so the crew has to survive on their own.
Later, they come accross a distortion in the space-time continuum, and they keep travelling backwards and forwards through time. Kryten discovers they are very close to a White Hole (The opposite of a Black whole: It spews time into the universe). They get holly to formulate a plan to get rid of it. She suggests that an explosive fired into a nearby sunwould cause a solar flare which could be used to push a planet into the hole and destroy it. Lister decides this is bizarre as she does not have enough "side". Lister decides to take the shot from a different angle, as if he weer playing pool. He scores with a trick shot. Everything returns to normal, and they are pushed back to several days before it all happened.

MELTDOWN

Kryten has discovered a teleporter in one of the labs and the crew decide to teleport somewhere. It brings Rimmer and Kryten to a planet with a breathable atmosphere, but several monsters chase them and eventually they get captured by Elvis. The Cat and Lister, on the other hand get brought to Hitler's Camp. They are thrown in prison. Rimmer and Kryten prove their innocence to all the "good" characters of history (Ghandi, Elvis, Pythagoras) and decide to lead them in a war against the "bad guys" (Hitler, Napoleon, etc.)
The Cat and Lister manage to escape prison with the help of Abraham Lincoln and head back. Rimmer wins the war by sending all his troops across a minefield except Mother Theresa and Kryten, Who shoot Hitler. Everyone else is killed. The crew use the teleporter to get back to Red Dwarf

Series 5

BACK TO REALITY

The crew are investigating an ocean. They find a ship called the SS Esperanto and on it's black box, they find out it should be teeming with life. They find 3 people who committed suicide, and a haddock who did the same. Soon, they find they (the suicidal people) were hallucinating. They try to escape in Starbug to avoid it happening to them, but a squid who squirts hallucinagenic ink chase s them and they crash into a rock. Starbug is destroyed.
They wake up to find they were playing a computer game called Red Dwarf (and they scored 4%). Lister the rich and successful Sebastian Doyle, Rimmer (his brother, Billy) is a bum, the Cat is the most sad "geek" you ever saw called Duane Dibbly(Teeth stick out a mile, terrible taste in clothes, etc.) and Kryten is a cop named Jake Bullet. Later, Sebastian finds out that he is a fascist mass murderer. Bullet kills a man while defending a girl. They make a run for it and are chased by the fascist police. Holly tries to warn them that they're hallucinating, but they can't hear. They manage to escape the police and run down an alleyway. Kryten, so appalled by his actions decides to kill himself. So do Rimmer and The Cat. Lister, hates his mass murdering lifestyle and decides the same. Holly saves them just in time, though.

THE INQUIZITOR

Thomas Holden is in his room when a man dressed in black with a white skull-like mask comes along, charges him of being a waste of skin and vapourises him, replacing him with a more well-built version of himself...
The crew are flying along in starbug when they lose control of the ship. Using Lister's body, something announces itself of The Inquisitor. Kryten later describes the Inquisitor as a simulant who survived to the end of tie to find no afterlife, etc. So he built a time machine and went around, judging everyone on whether they lead a worthwhile life or not, deleting the ones who didn't and replacing them with "the sperms that never got a chance". Rimmer and the Cat survive the trial, but Lister and Kryten are removed from history. Just when they are about to be destroyed, another Kryten appears behind him with one of the inquisitor's own gauntlets and takes it by surprise. Kryten throws them the gauntlet before getting killed by The Inquisitor. They escape, but when they meet Rimmer and the Cat, and Lister and Kryten, the crew don't recognise them. Suddnely the Inquisitor attacks, killing the new Lister and Kryten. The rest escape, but split up, Kryten and Lister together, Rimmer and Cat together. Kryten finally decodes the gauntlet. Rimmer and the Cat come in. They go to face the inquisitor. Lister finally defeats it with the old "backfiring time-gauntlet trick". Everything is returned to normal.

TERRORFORM

Kryten wakes up crashed on a moon. He sends a message back to Lister and the Cat. Lister comes, collects and "fixes" Kryten. Kryten tells them that Rimmer was captured while on a psy-moon (a terrorforming moon that reshapes itself to someone's psyche). So the crew go and have a look for him. Rimmer is hung up and prepared to be tortured (by the unspeakable one). The crew make their way across a swamp and through a cave, all the tinme coming across terrible horrors (Rimmer's mind). Eventually they find Rimmer and rescue him, at the same time, driving back the unspeakable one. They try to escape in starbug, but the ship gets caught in a swamp. Eventually they realise that making Rimmer feel good avout himself will help them escape, and so it does...

HOLOSHIP

While travelling in Starbug, the crew come across a hologrammatical ship, and Rimmer is captured and taken aboard. The Holoship will not answer Starbug's communication attempts. Rimmer is having a good time aboard the Holoship: He can touch, feel and taste. Not only that, but it's ship's regulation that he has sex twice a day with beautiful women. Rimmer decides he wants to stay aboard the ship, and challenges a randomly-selected crew-member. The crew-member turns out to be Nirvanah Crane (his lover) who lets him win on purpose. Rimmer leaves Red Dwarf and goes into the Holoship. When he finds out that Nirvanah gave up her place for him, and he decides to give it back to her and return to Red Dwarf.

DEMONS AND ANGELS

Lister and Kryten have invented a triplicator: a device which can make triples of fruit, one of the new ones is horrible, while the other is delicious. However they accidentally triplicate Red Dwarf. The crew board the "delicious" ship to find their counterparts are monks and are all into the "good" side of things. Kryten finds half the triplicator (he needs it to return the ship to normal. When they board the other ship, it is horrible, the crew are monsters, and they have let the ship go into decay. The "good" crew are killed by various things, and eventually they find the other half. Lister is programmed to kill the rest, and they just manage to get rid of the implant which lets them do so. They leave the ship and Regenerate the original Red Dwarf. Before they return , the Cat has a little fun with the programmable implant...

QUARANTINE

The crew are on a snowy planet, when they come across an abandoned ship. They send in a scouter to find the ship belonged to a genius named Dr. Lanstrom. Going in to investigate they find her in stasis, only she has gone insane. She has contracted a virus (which she discovered) and she has gotten extraordinary powers like hex vision and telekinesis at the price of her sanity. They escape, but the disease is transferred to Rimmer. When the rest of the crew get home, Rimmer forces them to stay in quarantine (to avoid catching the disease off them) and unbeknownst to him, he goes insane, locking them in without oxygen. The crew escape thanks to a luck virus. But Rimmer chases them down the corridor with his hex vision and thanks to the luck virus, Kryten manages to turn him off and restore him to his previous self.

Series 6

PSIRENS

Red Dwarf was stolen from the crew, and 200 years later they have finally caught up with it. They are required to go through an asteroid belt. While going through, they dome to a shipwreck, and look at it's black box recording. Apparently, a band of aliens called Psirens attacked the ship, and seduced the crew by telepathically causing them to hallucinate, before sucking out their brains. The crew on Starbug are then bombarded by illusions, including fake distress calls, large flaming meteors, fake radar readouts, and so on, until they crash. Lister goes out to fix the ship on the outside, when a Psiren attacks, pretending to be a beautiful woman. Lister manages to make it back on board, but then another Lister is outside. Kryten has no choice but to let them both on. They find out which is the real one and shoot the other. While the real Lister argues with them about their deduction methods (He was crap at the guitar), the psiren escapes. It then becomes Krytens inventor and orders Kryten to go into the thrash-compacter. (Makes cubes out of rubbish) Lister, Rimmer and the Cat then search for the psiren, and Rimmer's battery runs out. Lister and the Cat are then knocked out by the psiren's sneak attack. Kryten emerges from the Waste-compacter as a cube and throws himself from a height ontop of the psiren, killing it.

LEGION

The crew are flying along when suddenly a "Swirly thing" jumps out on front of them, and they are captured by some kind of tractor beam and pulled aboard a space station. The scan reads no life-signs, but when they get aboard, they meet a man with a mask called Legion. Legion gives Rimmer a Hard-Light Drive, which allows him to touch, feel and taste. He also takes out Lister's appendix. Rimmer takes advantage of his new senses in the dinner Legion has made them. Legion invites them to stay in the station for the rest of their lives. That night, they all have perfect bedrooms, designed for their comfort in every way possible. In the morning, they decide they want to leave. They discover that Legion is a GELF, made up of the combined knowledge, personality and even anger and rage of everyone in the station. Kryten decides the best way to escape is to knock everyone out. He does this, and all that is left are 2 Krytens. Legion/Kryten is compelled to help humans, so he has to help them escape, and he is actually relieved to get rid of them. Legion also gives them a "Star Drive" which should enable them to catch Red Dwarf in seconds. Does it work? Guess!

GUNMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

While travelling to rogue simulant territory, the crew run into a simulant ship. Seeing as the simulants hate humans, they board the ship and shoot the crew. The crew wake up later to find Starbug has been upgraded. The simulants offer them 1 minute to run before they come after them. The Dwarfers decide not to run, but to strike. They shoot down the simulant ship before legging it. The ship's guns have been knocked out by the blast and they are unable to respond, so they transmit a virus to Starbug's computer which locks out all the controls. They are headed directly towards a moon. Kryten allows the virus into his body in order to create an antidote. The crew views his dream as some sherrif in a western. They decide to join Kryten using an "Artificial Reality" game (like "Virtual Reality") and meet him as a drunk wreck. The other three all get to use their special abilities (Lister, a knife throwing expert stops Jimmy from teasing Kryten, The Cat, ace Gunsliger saves them from being shot by henchmen, and Rimmer, barefis fighter helps them escape to chase Kryten.) Outside are the four "Apocalypse Boys" (Death, War, Pestilence and Famine). Who challenge Kryten. Death (the leader) erases the "Special Skills" after Rimmer challenges one of them to a fight. The crew decide to make a run for it, just in time for Kryten to make the antidote. Kryten destroys the Apocalypse boys with his guns which turn into doves. The crew get the Antidote into Starbug's computers just in time, and they escape (barely).

EMOHAWK: POLYMORPH II

The crew have come across a Space-Corps law enforcement vessel. It charges them with looting Space-Corps Derelicts. They decide to do a runner, but they narrowly escape crashing into a GELF icon carved into rock when the enforcement vehicle shoots it from right in front of them (while aiming for them). They escape with minor damage, but are forced to make a crash landing on a GELF moon. Everything is repairable but the Oxy-Generation unit (a device which produces oxygen). The drew decide to trade with the GELFs. Luckily, Kryten has done research on this particular tribe, the Kinitawowi. The GELF chief decides the only way they will get the O/G unit is if Lister will marry his daughter. Lister is eventually convinced to go through with it, and the GELF gives them the unit. However, Lister makes a break for it and escapes to Starbug along with the rest of the crew. The GELF chief sends a creature after them: an Emohawk. It's a type of Polymorph (see the episode - Polymorph) only smaller. It catches upwith the crew and boards Starbug. It drains the Cat of his cool, and Rimmer of his sliminess, his sad-gitness. The Cat is now Duane Dibbly (see Back to Reality) and Rimmer is now "Ace". (See Dimension Jump) Rimmer Locks Lister and Kryten in the hold where they'll be safe, while he and the Cat go and look for it. Lister and Kryten break out to help, and eventually they track it down, freeze it with a spray can.

RIMMERWORLD

Rimmer has a medical exam done on him, and finds out he is suffering from some kind of hologrammatical brain disease, and that the only way he would get better would be to relax. Meanwhile, Starbug has met up with the simulant ship they destroyed in Gunmen of the Apocalypse. They decide to board it and strip down the ship for supplies. They find out that the ship's superstructure is so weak that even a loud noisde could destroy it. They find a teleporter which comes in handy in doing so. While on the ship, they meet one of the simulants. Rimmer escapes in an escape pod, which sets off a chain reaction, which causes the superstructure to disintegrate. The rest of the crew escape via the teleporter, and accidentally arrive two weeks back in time. Kryten resets the teleporter and they rearrive back in their own time. They chase Rimmer's escape pos, but it is faster than them. Rimmer is heading for a wormhole, which unfortunately has a differnt time line. It will be 600 years before the rest of the crew catch up. Rimmer, luckily has environmental enhancing rockets in his pod, and creates, from a desert planet to a great jungle. He uses more equipment to make a female version of himself, but accidentally ends up making a male version. So he tries again... and again...
The rest of the crew arrive on the planet, and find loads of Rimmer. they are taken in front of the King and charged with deviating from the norm, acts of honour, and they didn't even try to sell each other out for their own escape! They are kicked into a dungeon where they meet Rimmer, who has been there for 547 years. They then teleport back to Starbug, accidentally ending up 2 weeks in the future where a catastrophe has happened to Lister...

OUT OF TIME

After a "morale-meeting" the crew find a cloud surrounding a Space-Corps derelict. The station contains a time-machine, which is adaptable to Starbug (and I'm not talking about a clock). They decide the best way to get it is to head rihgt through the protective storm. They crash or something, and Lister is injured. They find out Lister is an android! After ordering to do all the work and giving out to him fo rnot having used a setsquare to make the sandwiches, they find out they were in a n unreality pocket, and Lister is indeed human. More of these unreality pockets pass until they decide to go into stasis until they get there. They strip the time machine and then try to use it, but are dissapointed to find they are still in the same place even if in a different time. They return to their own time to find a future vversion of themselves. They invite them on board, but everyone except Kryten is sealed in the hold. Lister decides to rig a camera to see what's going on. Lister finds ut that Kryten is wearing a toupee, Rimmer is after getting fat, and the Cat is bald, but worst of all, Lister himself id just a brain in a jar! He continues to watch the goings on and finds out that their future selves are not only fat, bald and bodiless, but are souped up snobs, who can never compliment anything, who've socialised all the most evil figures of history (Hitler, Louis XV, Guering, etc.), and lived in the height of luxury. Now they need help getting back to their own time. Lister is horribly dismayed to find this, so the three blast open the hold, and head down to kick them out of the ship, refusing to fix the time-drive. The future crew, deciding their better off dead than to live without the time-drive, stranded in space, attack the present crew. Lister, Cat and Kryten are killed, so Rimmer decides to save the ship by destroying the time drive. However at the same time, One of the Starbugs shoot at the other and it is destroyed....

TO BE CONTINUED....

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Series Seven

TIKKA TO RIDE

After Starbug was destroyed, the future crew no longer existed - therefore were unable to go back in time and kill the present crew, hence they survived.
But unfortunately disaster has struck. Starbug is completely devoid of curries. Lister proposes that they go back in time (using the time-drive from Out Of Time to order a couple of hundred curries from an Indian Restaraunt. The rest of the crew will not go back in time because they are afraid of becoming the futures selves which they saw. However, by removing a guilt chip from one of Kryten's spare heads and swapping the heads, Kryten reassures them it will be OK.
So they go back and land in the warehouse that the murderer of John F Kennedy was in, knock him out and hence prevent Kennedy's assasination. However a chain reaction caused by Kennedy's survival causes the city to be deserted several years later, and Kennedy to be disgraced. So Lister persuades Kennedy to go back in time with them, and be the gunman on the grassy knoll, and shoot himself. Of course they still haven't gotten any curries...

STOKE ME A CLIPPER

Ace Rimmer overthrows yet another dictator and once again saves a damsel in distress. In the mean time, Lister and Kryten take part in an Artificial Reality simulation of a medieval joust. Using some cheats, Lister manages to defeat his opponent and claim the princess as his prize. So off they go, making the opposing knight very angry.
Ace Rimmer arrives back in their reality, and docks with them. He talks to Rimmer privately, and tells him that he is not the real Ace Rimmer. He is a Hard-Light Hologram. He replaced a copy of a copy of a copy... of the original Ace Rimmer, and is now dying. He tries to convince Rimmer to take his place, but Rimmer is unwilling.
However, the angry knight escapes the AR machine, and attacks Rimmer, and Rimmer manages to defeat him! Now convinced he is not as cowardly and wimpy that he made himself out to be, he decides to take Ace up on his offer, and becomes the new Ace Rimmer. Ace dies, and Rimmer dons his wig and clothes, and is faced with the challenge of acting like Ace. They leave Ace's light-bee in a solar system in a universe full of billions of other light-bees. And so, the legend continues... Arnold Rimmer leaves (after a minor mishap), as the new Ace Rimmer.

OUROBOROS

Over 3,000,000 years ago, In the Aigbuth Arms pub, a box was found under a pool table with a baby inside. With just the word Ouroboros written on the side.
Returning to the present day, the crew have come across a wormhole between dimensions. They go out along the wormhole, and meet an alternative version of theirselves. Except Rimmer isn't there, Lister is a Hologram, Kochanski is alive, and Kryten is wearing a gold suit. They decide to exchange information. But unfortunately, Lister's in-law's - the GELFs attack, and cause a break in the wormhole, and Kochanski becomes caught on this side. Kochanski requests that lister fills a canister up with his sperm, that she may have a child.
They eventually manage to shake of the GELFs, with the help of Kochanski. Kryten however is jealous because Lister likes Kochanski and not him. So he is glad when they go back to return Kochanski to her original dimension.
Disaster strikes, as the GELFs return, and make the hole in the wormhole even bigger. Kochanski decides to jump across. She makes a run at it, and misses the other side, and falls into a deep black void. While she's falling, Lister rushes back and gets a crossbow and a rope, which Kryten happened to have handy, and harpoons Kochanski and pulls her back to his side. The box they found the stuff in, Lister notices has a label "Ouroboros", with a symbol on it - a snake biting his own tail, meaning infinity - a neverending circle. Lister recognises this as was written on his own box, and takes this as a sign, and 18 months later, takes the child that he and Kochanski had, and puts him in a box, writing "Ouroboros" on it, so it would remind himself of the sign when the child got to be him, and he would bring back his child, etc...

DUCT SOUP

As Kochanski begins to settle into her new, uncomfortable, noisy room, Kryten is really getting jealous of her taking Lister's attention away from him. He has a vision where Kochanski and Lister tell him that they don't need him any more and leave him.
Lister offers her a bath in his quarters. In the meantime, a faulty thermostat causes the engines to overheat and go down, and the crew are forced to trek through the duct pipes. While in the pipes, we learn of Lister's claustrophobia, and his friend, Bent Bob. We also find out that Kochanski's Lister was gay. Then we find out he is not. However a gush of water (which flows through the pipes ever now and again) forces them back out of the ducts and they are doomed - the ship is headed straight for a large object, and is out of control. However, Kryten easily fixes this. It turns out he could have fixed it all the time, but he just wanted to prevent Kochanski from having a bath in Lister's quarters, in case they got to close.

BLUE

After an encounter with a comet, and failing to get Kochanski home, Lister begins to miss Rimmer around the place. He remembers the laughs they used to have. He even dreams that Rimmer came back and they went at it! But after Kochanski putting him right, Kryten has to be one step better, and so he creates "The Rimmer Experience" from Rimmer's diaries. In it, Rimmer depicts himself as a hero, a "remarkable person". This show of disgusting boasting and lying soon cures Lister!

BEYOND A JOKE

Kryten goes through loads of trouble making a lobster dinner, but on a derelict ship, Kochanski has come across "Jane-Austin-World" (For the artificial reality console), and persuades Lister and the Cat to go there instead. But after Kryten goes and convinces them to come back and eat the supper (using a tank), Lister's suggestion of ketchup causes Kryten's head to explode. After numerous attempts at trying to fix Kryten, the crew run out of heads, and go to find more Mechanoid heads. However, on board is a simulant, so they have to dress up as GELFs. While the Simulant is giving them the stuff they need, someone else boards Starbug, and robs Kryten. Kryten is brought to be fixed by Able, another Series 4000 'noid, addicted to droid narcotics. Able fixes Kryten, and then helps him to escape and the five make off in Starbug (aided by a plan from Kochanski to pretend they had left a bomb on the ship). But the simulant gives Kryten a negativity rush by explaining why Kryten was created. Kryten combats this by storing all his Negativity on a "Negadrive". It turns out Kryten was created as a joke, when a man humiliated his creator, Professor Mamet. The Simulant and the GELF come back chasing the 'Bug, but Able sacrifices his life to save the crew's lives.

EPIDEME

The crew come across another Space-Corps deserted ship. Everyone on it is dead except for one person who is preserved in a block of ice. They decide to leave it till the morning to decide. But that night, the woman inside breaks out, covered in rotting skin, and dead flesh, and climbs into bed with Lister, who believes it's Kochanski. One thing leads to another, but when she kisses Lister, she falls dead, and Lister realises he's just taken about half her face with that case.
It turns out it was a virus inside the woman, known as Epideme, who goes around killing it's victims, and retaining their knowledge. Epideme had now entered Lister. After hours of trying to reason with it, and failed attempts to extinguish it, (including cutting off Lister's arm!) Lister gets up and decides to sacrifice his life, because otherwise when it finishes with him, it'll move on to Kochanski and the Cat. But then, Lister tricks the Epideme into finding a solution, so they head to a planet. Unfortunately the planet was destoyed, and the cure did not lie there. But Kochanski solves everything, by temporarily killing Lister, and therefore causing the virus to enter her, but she uses a fake arm, thus killing the epideme.

NANARCHY

Lister is quite annoyed that his arm has been cut off. So Kochanski thinks of a solution - use nanobots from Kryten's self-repair system. Unfortunately, Kryten hasn't last seen the nanobots since they had met the Despair Squid. (episode Back To Reality) So they all get into Stasis, and make their way back to that planet.

After a while they arrive, and discover a planet where the nanobots reside. They land on the planet, to discover it is very stormy. The Cat goes out, while the rest remain in Starbug. He comes back, and tells the crew how the place is littered with bits and pieces from Red Dwarf! They are able to retrieve Holly and he explains that the nanobots had deconstructed Red Dwarf and turned it into a planet!

So after much persuasion, Kryten convinces the nanobots to fix Lister and Red Dwarf. However, in both cases they are in for a surprise!