Brittas and his Fitness guide for the Net Junky


My name is Gordon Brittas, it has come to my attention that once behind ones computer VDU, the whole body process changes from that of a normal active human to that of a piece of wood. Nothing against trees, they are indeed wonderful things providing a source of oxygen as a by-product for our respiration, that's breathing to you Tim. It's just you'll never see one of them winning the London Marathon, not enough movement. A human requires movement, it requires exercsire, you know who you are. So, I, with my various trained skills can help you all to obtain a more healthier lifestyle, well, some of you, maybe. It will take time, you can't change from being a slob net junky to a fit super human overnight you know.

So, I've drawn up this 18 month plan to start you going back on the road to fitness. This is available in a three volume form indicating a complete balanced diet and training program for only 49.95 uk pounds. This money will go toward building two new squash courts. I realise the leisure centre has only had six people in  the last year to play squash, but, I must stress these are not additional ones. They are to replace the two destroyed in that nasty Crane with the metal ball and chain accident.

Another printing error caused this I'm afraid to say. The workers order should have read, Whiltbury Leisure Centre. Now that needs knocking down since the fire they had only a day after my staff and I were there attending an inter centre games contest. We won by default as we had the only complete team left to enter after the gas incident in the changing rooms and of course, sticking to the rules and guideline section seven sub-section 4 of the Games and Contest booklet for Leisure Centres with only four of the usual seven members the other teams were unable to compete. So we were very lucky to win the trophy and Colin was very lucky as the Police could not convict him of anything since the dodgy camping stove he was using to boil one of his herbal drinks exploded along along with most of the building,

Anyway back to the crane. I informed the driver of his obvious mistake and his lack of care on health and safety guidelines and the fact that his instructions must be wrong, but, he appeared not to hear me over the engine noise and sent the large metal ball towards the building in the direction of my office. It went cleanly through the window and my regulation managers desk, just as though he'd aimed it there. This caused a great deal of damage but I was most upset as he'd completely destroyed a pile of filing relating to the number of drinks wasted throughout a year in our vending machines. This was to be the first of many reports, I was particularly looking forward to doing the one regarding the wear of each leisure center floor tile. I'm sure this would have been most interesting. But I shall now have to start all over again.

Well back to the important matters of Health and Fitness the Gordon Brittas way. Again I see I'm running out of space, Brian has been very generous to me. Although I must admit he could lose a few pounds and cut down on the number of biscuits he eats. When asked how many biscuits have you eaten tonight, the answer really should be just one or two and not one packet. So I shall just have to point out the details of the volumes in the following three main headings.


1. Eat the correct foods 
At the right times and don't eat too much. Carole requires a lot of watching, she sneaks the odd bag of crisps into my carefully planned diet for her. I told her, if she stopped these extras, she would soon be able to shop for normal sized clothes. Suddenly she broke down into tears. It's wonderful how a little advice can effect people. I only wish Helen would cut down on her doughnuts, not only would it save a few pounds from her waist it would also save a few pounds from my pocket.

2. Exercise
Most of staff are very fit, it's required for the job, well with the exception of Colin or course. This is because they use their bodies in sport and this enables them to reduce fat and build muscle to become fit and strong. Sell the car and walk to work, so it's ten miles, just think how much good it will be doing you all that exercise and all that fresh air.

3. Enhance the Mind.
The body is nothing without the mind. I am quite worried by the magazines I find on my various random locker inspections. The number of glossy pictured monthly's showing cars with half naked woman over them is amazing. I have told those concerned of the correct car booklets they should buy showing picture of the complete car and parts and not just these weird angled ones in these publications. I believe in a good book. I often take a reference book to bed, well you never know when you might meet a lame camel that needs your help and I know I have the knowledge to help it.

Follow the above steps and you will become a better and healthy person ready to accept life, rather like me really. But before you do any of the above, may I suggest you visit you local doctor who can tell you whether or not you'll last the course. I will not be held responsible for any more medical problems.


Thanks for reading another of my Brittas Pages, thanks to all involved in the series of the Brittas Empire that has inspired me for these pages. The book mentioned above does not exist, I have to write this as I've had emails asking where people can buy it. There is only one Brittas book, called Sharing the Dream published by Boxtree.

Brian Clay